“Marriages are made in heaven” goes a popular statement that resonates with most of us and induces a smug belief of UTOPIA: an ideal institution. It is this perception that busted the bubble! If divorce rates are anything to go by, the magnitude of divorces in India is proliferating by the day.
Conservative India has perpetually been a marriage obsessed society. Despite all the vociferous voices that claim: our society has outgrown the notion of an arranged marriage, arranged marriages however remain the order of the day in the contemporary scenario. 80 out of 100 marriages in India can be pigeon holed as arranged. The prospective bride and groom are mere pawns who are compelled to dance to the directions of their parents; what if either s/he is in love with someone else? Why are the parents not getting him or her married to partners of their own choice? Ostensibly the partner could be from a different caste, class, religion or perhaps not good enough for their parents. The outcome: a compromise not for one but two because the other partner’s expectations are dashed to the ground as s/he becomes a part of someone’s life for who marriage is a compromise. Nevertheless love marriages aren’t a bed of roses either.
Both love and arranged marriages come with its pros and cons. If both sorts of marriages are collapsing, what are the reasons for the decline? One of the reasons for the mayhem of this sacrosanct institution is EXPECTATIONS. Couples plunge into the relationship with expectations and assuming notions. When the partner fails to live up to his/her expectations, hell breaks loose. Few are pushed into wedding when they least expect it and therefore aren’t prepared. What if there are other priorities like higher studies and career for him/her? What if s/he is keen to pursue their priorities? This again tarnishes expectations of the other partner. Gender equation has changed radically over the years. There were times when man was the sole bread winner; today it’s a tantalizing role reversal: women are financially liberated and extremely opinionated. In the modern scenario, it’s the lack of adjustment and ego clashes that propels a divorce in most cases. Divorce lawyers state that 7 out of 10 cases cite grounds of fighting over trivial issues; from sharing responsibilities and chores at home to making a small compromise with career. For instance, in a case, a husband wanted his wife to resign and join him in another state on account of his transfer. However, the wife refused to comply and the rest as we know is reality.
The other reasons for divorce include extra marital relations, domestic violence, an incurable disease and impotency. Impotency is quite a negligent issue in India. Women are afraid to open up and come out with the problem. But getting nervous will not help matters, clear conversation might. My friend’s cousin got married to a guy who was impotent and when asked as to why he did that, he did not have an answer. The girl went into pieces and took a long time to recover. But I’m happy she is divorced. Why are people adamant on shattering some innocent person’s life? Such a person can only be an animal. It is a sound mind, emotions and a heart that differentiates a human from an animal. There are two schools of thought for extra marital affairs. One advocates that if a husband is inflicting violence, there’s nothing wrong if his wife looks for love in another man’s arms. Another advocates that an extra marital affair is an aberration. The latter will attract dissenting views from the former saying that if people are not happy in a marriage, should they continue to suffer in silence? But what about those who are content with their nuptial life and yet take to extra marital affairs? Then I definitely think it is an aberration.
Marriage, a bond that binds two individuals together, till death does them apart, has been reduced to a melee in todays volatile times; but who is making it a convoluted institution? It is US. Have people adopted a zero tolerance attitude that they can’t stand a slight flaw in their spouse? I think Marriage is not about looking for someone who completes you but it’s about someone who shares your completeness. Marriage is a union of two good forgivers!
This is another poem that I ferreted out of the rummage in the book shelf. Some friends are inexorably tied to you and one such friend of mine is Sarah who wrote this poem on me. I know that I make for an irresistible buddy but I never thought even in my wildest dream that someone can write a poem on me. In this world where most of us are self-centered, having friends like Sarah is a blessing. I must say that she is an epitome of altruism- a selfless person. I always admonish her not to be overtly sweet lest people will exploit her. She only nods her head with a smile :-)
There is a girl called Carol and she is my friend
When she laughs, there seems no end
She is very friendly
And she has eyes which are deadly
She has a lovely smile
And she merry all the while
Naughty? You might ask if she is
I bet she is more than anyone else is
About her what should I say?
She is very particular about her bay
She is a very sweet person
Who helps without asking for a reason
I’m glad I found a friend like her
And this poem to her I proudly deliver.
Thanks a ton Sarah for the Wonderful poem! It never fails to amaze me every time I read it. Keep rocking!!
Most of us shy away from writing about God because we are afraid that there will not be any takers for our blog. What if I will be labelled as a maniac? What if people just overlook my Blog? What if my peers don’t acquiesce me? These are some of the questions that run through our minds. Perception of God varies from a person to person.The juvenile Gen X/Youngistan believes that God is for the senile/grey-haired ilk-something you turn to when you retire and when you are relieved of all your responsibilities in life. For some God manifests through rituals; they follow rituals blindly even if that makes no sense. There are some for whom God is confined to Sundays, festivals, hard times, exams and so on. Then there are those who worship God out of fear, they believe that if I don’t follow this (a ritual, a custom), perform a puja, don’t live a good life, I will see God’s wrath.
But what if God wishes to be your friend and thereby becomes your friend? Someone who walks with you in your life, someone who makes wonders and helps you surmount obstacles and blesses you abundantly. Would you not talk about him? I’m a practicing Christian. However Christianity is more of a way of life than as a religion, a doctrine and an ideology. Let me not connote further. Below is a poem that I found in the rummage of my book shelf. I wrote this POEM when in class X, when I was down-in-the-dumps. Read on...
Lying on the couch and gazing
At the black clouds, makes
my predicament more miserable
makes me feel like a poor Lamb.
A Lamb that’s certainly not lost
But a Lamb that feels secluded
Even among a great herd of Lambs
in the deep dark forest
I wonder so often, is life all
a bed of thorns? Happiness
seems to elude me, every time I
try to be and that is the tragedy
A colossal of troubles, catastrophes,
miseries, I have gone through in life
so massive! Like the innumerable
Stars in the sky at night.
The injustice that happened
many a times, the pain and
the hurt my loved ones gave
me, when not anticipating…
This is so pensive, I know…
and the one who reads this
will certainly write me off
as a poor thing but think again!
I’m NOT as there is this
someone who doesn’t let
me fall, eveytime I trip
he never let me went astray
He who holds my fingers and makes
me tread the thorny paths in life
he, who understood me, whose
love is so abundant, so pure…
His love for me is so overflowing
that made me wonder struck
such love never have I found
not even in my parents, my friends…
He who said “I’m there”
his promises ever so true
he, who moulded me,
who was a solace in trying times
How can I forget the wonderful
Lessons of life he taught me,
The risks to take in life, to stand
Up for what I believe is right
I’m not me today without
him, the bold, self-assured
confident person I’m today is
because of him who lives in me
Yes! It’s my great, beloved
Friend: Jesus! The almighty!
And now I wonder what a fool I was
to pity myself as he satiates my life.
People often say that happiness is a state-of-mind. So what makes me happy?I’m happy because I have Jesus in my life.
“To live is Christ and to die is gain” Philippians 1:21
This is just a tip of the iceberg. There are loads to talk about my experiences and relationship with Christ. However that merits a blog of its own: an entity per se.Perhaps I will start one, once I’m done with my MA after April 2009 as I need to plumb into the depths to write and give insights. Having said that Christ is neither complex nor convoluted. Just that I can’t squeeze in time and I don’t want to take up something I can’t do justice to.I want to take time and prepare myself for it.
PS: The intention of this post is not to impose religion on anybody.Everyone is free to choose and follow religion of their choice. Its one of the fundamental rights. I’m only sharing my testimony.
There is a certain ambiguity in understanding gender equality in the context of today’s woman: bold, smart, independent, chic, steely grit and nerve and the list can be endless. The World boasts of many such women who breached barriers of caste, class, societal norms to carve their own identies. Identities as in those that are not confined to biological roles: a daughter, wife and a mother but those that she defined through her own potential and talent.
This ambiguity is best manifested by the media: Print and electronic; that portrays women who aced in every sphere. It presents a picture of Aishwarya Rai standing tall at Cannes Film Festival; Sunitha Williams flying high in a space shuttle; Indira Nooyi, CEO of PepsiCo, addressing a press conference; Kiran Desai, plush in the success of a Booker Prize; The gutsy Hillary Clinton in a race for the white house and a countless examples to quote. Having said that, the media is equally rife with dowry deaths, rape cases, sexual abuse/harassment, eve teasing, molestation cases, domestic violence and what not? Does all this evoke gender equality? You just never know that bad news about women exceeds good news about women and perhaps the good news about women fades into insignificance before bad news. If you recall, the media kick started the New Year with molestation cases at Mumbai where two women out of a hotel were molested: pinched, grabbed, touched, felt and squeezed; by a group of drunken men. Then there are dissenting voices of the moral police who say that women ask for it as they wear provoking clothes. What rot? A woman can be provoking in a Salwar too. Just because a girl sports a tee and jeans, she is not a bitch who asks for it. The same holds for rape. What is rape? It is illicit sexual intercourse without the consent of a woman and effected by force, duress, intimidation or deception as to the nature of the act. When a woman is raped, the rapist goes scot free; it is the victim who is traumatized. The society is not kind enough to support her; she is looked down like a piece of dirt and some perverts who say that she asked for it. What about rape in wedlock? Is it rape at all? It’s not an outsider, her own husband who she is wedded to. So where does the question of rape arise? Rape is illicit without the benefit of marriage and if within marriage it’s a breach of promise to embrace and support her in sickness and health. If Eve Teasing is still prevalent, no wonder women are still perceived as objects of desire. If men are subjects, women are objects. God is in heaven and all is right with the stinking world!
There are communities and families where a woman’s place is still confined to home and hearth and she is defined by her man. Imagine having to live in a place where you don’t have a voice. What happens when the woman raises her voice against some norm? She is torn, beaten and battered. That’s domestic violence for you! What if a woman is caught in a marriage seeped in domestic violence that renders her a mental and physical wreck? She should walk out of that marriage and lodge a complaint against the proprietors of the crime. Our government finally woke up to the ill-plight of women and passed an act on 23rd June, 2005 that declares any domestic violence against women, a crime. It’s not just a husband who is deemed but also a relative will be charged with a criminal offence.
However such Laws will be efficacious only if the victims come forward and fight for justice. Most women only suffer than prefer to come and speak out against their family. It is against Indian culture. For heavens sake, Indian culture doesn’t ask you be a silent sufferer and mute spectator to the injustice and pain inflicted on you. Judith Armstrong, a well know critic stated “Adultery is greater when committed by a woman. She’s called a fallen woman and when a man commits adultery he just STRAY’s.” I refuse to buy that bilge. There should be equal punishment meted out to both. From time immemorial society is a male dominated one. A woman’s husband was a pathi parmeshwar or God to her. Though the old veil girl has seen the light of the sun, she is definitely facing a gender bias which is a manifestation of what I had mentioned earlier. Today some old traditions have come in a new garb. We had ‘sathi-pratha’: burning of a widow on her husbands’ pyre; and today we burn the bride and allow the groom to have another.
A much relevant example is Amniocentesis where the pregnant lady undergoes this sex-determination test under the pressure of her in-laws, even though it is an offence. Its disheartening that even today a girl is frowned upon as a yoke or a burden in families and it is appalling to know that the so called ‘affluent’ who are supposedly ‘educated’ are committing this crime. Even the middle income and poor income groups think that the birth of a girl child is a deliberative digging of a big pit because they are afraid of facing challenges regarding her education, huge dowry sums, wedding etc. They all look forward to a son to carry on their lineage or family business and also because a secure future is assured. Let’s face it, even at work, women face sexual harassment. It could be an innocuous remark, an unnecessary look or something more serious. A survey depicts that 49% women have encountered sexual abuse and 53% women don’t have equal opportunities at work. They also say that women are treated unfairly by their supervisor/ co-worker/fellow student.
Even amidst working couples, it is the man who has an edge over the woman. If he is transferred to a different place, the wife‘s interest is not taken into consideration, she is expected to move with him. However it’s ok for her to compromise on little things concerning work. Every man looks for a homely woman who can keep his parents and him happy but what if that homely girl wants to work? What if she is much successful than her husband and earns more than he does? Will the husband, acquiesce and digest this fact? Will his fragile ego not get wounded? The Newspapers do publish stories on Men who accept their trophy wives with ease and are absolutely comfort with the attention they receive. That’s only a smug-belief of a ‘feel-good-factor’. A woman’s life is circumscribed by a man. God has created female and man created a woman. Simone de Beauvoir, a landmark French feminist commented “A woman is not born but made”. All of the above breaks the façade that there is gender equality. It only presents a bleak picture of today’s woman.
If this myth has to become a reality, women should be educated and empowered, social responsibility should increase and boys at home should be taught to respect women. Entrenched prejudices and customs against women should be abolished and various myths, superstitions should be debunked. If Laws have to succeed, complaints should be made more anonymous that will encourage the girl to come forward and complain while scaring the miscreants.
I’m quite defiant about my roots as most of us are! I believe that no matter what you ace, accomplish, transform and evolve as an individual, one should never forget one’s roots: WHERE YOU COME FROM? I was born in Nizamabad, my Mom’s natal place. She is essentially from that place, but later migrated to the City: Hyderabad, when she joined my Papa in wedlock. It is apparent in India that a pregnant woman is off to her maternal home for delivery. Nevertheless I was brought up in Hyderabad/ హైదరాబాదు.
I have been residing here since 20 years and I still find this place so invigorating… Hyderabad never fell short of giving me the best; be it education, Job contentment, extended families, a string of friends, great infrastructure. You name it…Hyderabad is redolent with a glorious past. The City is feted for its pedigree of remarkable rulers: Qutub Shahi’s and Asif Jahi’s/Nizams; who left an inimitable legacy for its posterity- from Charminar to Hyderabadi Biryani (the iconic dish of Hyderabad).Hyderabad was initially called Bhagyanagar after Mohammed Quli’s beloved Baghmati. Once she moved to the Royal Palace and embraced Islam, she was named Hydermati/mahal. Therefore Hyderabad is a ramification of Hydermati.
Hyderabad emanates a cosmopolitan culture that accommodates and embraces all cultures. This cosmopolitan feature of Hyderabad dates back to Nizams who worked in harmony with the British and often threw parties for each other sans any entrenched prejudices. This facilitated a blend of Muslim and Anglo culture. Hyderabad has a twin: Secunderabad that is sequestered by the Hussain Sagar Lake. This lake, in common parlance, is a signature of Hyderabad, next only to Charminar; it’s a man-made lake that was built during the reign of Qutub Shahi’s in the 16th cen. The Hall mark of this lake is the monolithic Buddha statute that emblazon's it. The lake ,A heart shaped Jewel that keeps the two cities together has become a timeless hit with Hyderabadi’s. Secunderabad was founded as a British cantonment and has a large Army and Air Force presence to this date. Its eponymous too as it takes its name after Sikander Jah, the 3rd Nizam of the Asif Jahi Dynasty.
IT and Infrastructure was at its zenith during the reign of Chandrababu Naidu. He garnered accolades for his concept of an image overhaul of Hyderabad with fly overs and state-of-the-art buildings. Hi-tech City mushroomed in leaps and bounds and thus Hyderabad was put on the World Map as the IT Capital of India, along with Bangalore. There is ostensibly a preponderance of Telugus over the other communities here. Telugu is a must in ¾ th of Schools here. However we Telugu’s are not as rigid as the madrasi’s who cannot accommodate either Hindi or English apart from Tamil on their hoardings. It equates to shutting the door on an outsiders face. Hyderabadi’s are UNDENIABLY warm, friendly and hospitable. They preen over their local, typical, vibrant Hyderabadi language: a mix of Hindi, Urdu and Telugu. Did you know that Hindi and Urdu are dialects of the same language? I always thought they are two different languages until I studied for the linguistics exam :-)
Of late, umpteen Designer Boutiques, Malls, Restaurants and Hotels have sprung up. So you want to sport a Tommy Hilfiger Sweater this winter? Head to Banjara Hills; A seven star Hotel for Corporate Conferences? Novotel at Hitex; A swanky Hotel to accommodate your clients? ITC Sheraton Kakatiya at Begumpet; Luxury of movies in a Multiplex? There’s Prasad’s, IMAX, PVR. An ambience of a restaurant that transports you to a breath-taking place? Exotica at Banjara Hills (I love that place)Women, what about seamless shopping? Abids, Koti, Old City, James Street, Parklane, Begumpet, Banjara Hills etc. Please feel free to add to the list. You will find an Irani Café: Chai, Samosa and Osmania Biscuits on street corners and a theatre within every 500 meters in the City. That’s Hyderabad for you!
Hyderabadi’s- continue exploring the place.
Outsiders- come and see for yourselves. I’m sure it will never fail to amaze you!
There was a time when US of A was considered to be a land of dreams and opportunities. Today perhaps not with all the mayhem in finances and unemployment looming large!Whatever it might be, I just give a damn. It’s Hyderabad- a land of opportunities and dreams for me.
PS: One of my optional in Graduation was History; this dalliance with History began way back in school. Hence it’s been easy for me to give a historic spin to it. Apparently anything on earth will be incomplete sans History.
“Marriages are made in heaven” goes a popular statement that resonates with most of us and induces a smug belief of UTOPIA: an ideal institution. It is this perception that busted the bubble! If divorce rates are anything to go by, the magnitude of divorces in India is proliferating by the day.
